Knowledge of God's Existence

Last Saturday I experienced the most intense physical pain of my entire life - at least as far as I can recall. Pain is like that. You tend to forget its effects quickly in the face of all the other things we endure in life. After giving birth, it took Lisa many months, even years, to forget the physical pain of childbirth and carrying a child for 9 months and all the associated problems, to the point that she would even consider getting pregnant again. I will endeavor, in this blog entry, to detail what lead up to this experience and what I have learned from it 6 days after it happened.

My Friday night was spent with the youth of my stake. Matt Jorgensen and I spent about 90 minutes outside, in the searing heat, (104 degrees) grilling burgers and hot dogs for about 220 people. It was hot, but fun. I don't mind those grueling, sweaty experiences, because I have, in my mind's eye, the purpose for which I am suffering. This is generally true for me in most difficult circumstances I find myself. I tend to look forward and think to myself, "This experience will benefit me or someone else, and this is the ultimate purpose." It is true even when I am accomplishing some big goal in life. I regularly assess myself and look forward to the end and it helps motivate me into making that vision a reality. To see the end from the beginning.

Once we were done, the youth got to hear from a few speakers for some motivational messages. While they supped from the cup of the Spirit, I and a few other leaders stayed in the kitchen cleaning, washing dishes and moving gear to the other church building, which would be used for the next day's activities. Once cleanup was complete, we piled into dozens of vehicles and took the youth to Classic Fun Center where they roller skated, jumped on trampolines, played laser tag, and other various fun things. We took the youth home at a fairly late hour. I got to bed around midnight - not abnormal for me.

The next morning I arose to get ready for another day with the youth. We were to head to our stake bowery to feed the youth breakfast and then take our rakes and shovels to the "This is the Place" state park for a large service project. I showered, shaved, and got dressed. As I sat down on the floor to put on my shoes, I felt the muscles in my lower back completely give out. I fell back to the floor writhing in agony. The spasm subsided but I knew I was in trouble. I laid there for a total of 90 minutes. Every 5-10 minutes, my back muscles would spasm and cause severe pain. It was fortunate that I fell between the sofa and the wall - I had something to grab onto and push against as the searing pain would come and I yelled and cried in agony. It literally brought tears and sobs out of me - which I thought had long been rooted out of my hard heart. :-)

My wife contacted our chiropractor and she stated that I needed to immediately ice the affected area and get to her office as soon as possible. I also asked Lisa to call my fellow servants in the young men's presidency to explain to them my absence. I asked that they come and give me a blessing - which they were more than happy to do. Once they left, I knew I had to move - in pain or not. I rolled over onto my side, ignoring the pain. Once that spasm stopped, I gather Bryce and Blake and carefully explained how they were to lift me to my feet. I had to completely relax my body for this to work. I relaxed myself and everything was going great. About half way to my feet, I could feel my muscles start to tense and I knew a spasm would take control quickly. I yelled "Go! Go! Go!" They hefted my dead weight and got me to my feet just as a spasm rocked me again. I turned around and grasped the fireplace mantle and writhed in pain, sweating and panting. I placed my arms around their necks and they bore almost my entire weight as we walked carefully to the truck where Lisa was waiting to take me to the chiropractor's office. She drove quite slowly because even minimal bumps caused little spasms. The simple act of walking from the handicapped parking space to her office took about 5 or 10 minutes. I walked slowly and would nearly break into spasms were it not for Lisa's shoulder to rely upon. I arrived at the office and Dr. Draney had me lay on a table where she adjusted my hips. It hurt but was nothing compared to the spasms. From there I tentatively walked to another room where some electrical stimulus cords were placed on my lower back and I laid on a soft bed for 25 minutes. The electrical stimulus hurt, but I could tell it was loosening the muscles in my back. Again, it was nothing in comparison to the earlier spasms.

Once complete, I was able to walk out of her office of my own will - slowly - but with MUCH less pain than before. The spasms stopped completely.

Now for the lessons learned.

As I lay there on the floor, between spasms, the thoughts kept coming to my mind that Heavenly Father loved me. In my mind I was made keenly aware of all the many blessings I had received at the hand of God. His mercy in preserving my life each day and in allowing me to breathe and walk and smell and have a loving wife and children were ever-present. I silently prayed over and over and thanked Heavenly Father and acknowledge his hand in my life. I did not ask for relief from the agony...that thought never entered my mind. This did not lessen the pain or improve my situation, but it gave me perspective. In that painful state I was able to joke and laugh and not be completely overcome by it.

Even 6 days later, I still have issues. I move a little slower and cannot bend over easily, but I am making progress. My chiropractor is out of the office and I will not be able to see her for at least a week from today. Ice packs are my constant companions. They help relieve the pain and keep me somewhat functional. I am not yet ready to start stretching, but will try in another day or two.

An interesting experience, to say the least.

Life is good. God is good. And I'm happy to be alive. There is pain in this life. I am confident, however, that the pain is there to help us appreciate those days we DON'T have pain. That cold exists to help us appreciate heat, and vice-versa. Sweet, salty, bitter, savory. Opposition exists to give us choices and to gain understanding of what is good, and what is bad. It might be compared, in a very small way, of the things the Savior of mankind had to experience during the atonement. We are given trials and are commanded to bear one another's burdens. The Savior went through all pain and suffering so that he could understand my pain and suffering. Why? So that he could give us relief, perhaps? While he doesn't always grant relief from trials, he can at least be an understanding ear when we pray and perhaps offer guidance as we work ourselves out of the holes we find ourselves in.

I don't mind this eartly test one bit. I know God loves me and I know that these experiences will be for my good and will help me in becoming more like Him. As I have started to say in life...."It's all good."